Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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