I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you will always have a special place in my vag
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
