I'm so fucking centered right now
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
