So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
