TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
