I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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