Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
