Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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