Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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