trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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