soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
