dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
