i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
