Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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