Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
