is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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