we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
