I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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