I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
