Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
