she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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