I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There's always time for handjobs
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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