I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
