i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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