So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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