Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
