I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
