You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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