I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Who died my cat blue again?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
