the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Drunk is not a location!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
