im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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