yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
