I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
