My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize