her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
