Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
