Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
