I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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