I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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