My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize