I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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