I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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