if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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