she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
