I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
