ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
