I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
This is my gift to your gina
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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