Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
