dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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