you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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