I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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