It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
