Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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