Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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