I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
