You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
