Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
