Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
