Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
